What happens when you are me: Part 2 of 2

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So, I totally effed up and skipped a part of the story… REWIND.

All-of-a-sudden, it’s 8 p.m. and I realize Mike is nowhere to be seen… I text him “Are you here?” and hit send.  

(Here is the part I forgot)

Mike texts me back almost immediately:  ”Yea!  On the dance floor!”

A little irritated that we are sitting here waiting for him and he made no effort to come and find me, I text him back: “Oh.  Well, we have a table.  Come say hi.”

And HERE is where I look up from my phone, and into the deep brown eyes of The Chef, standing there, waiting to talk to me.

“Hey… I’m Tony… what’s your name?” asks The Chef, as he slides in the booth next to me (aaaaaand, like fluorescent green Gak, any thought of MMM slides right out of my brain and puddles on the floor.)

The Chef and I enter “interview mode” and I am getting all the details like hometown, current feelings on being a chef, etc.  I even drop a few inappropriate jokes (one about vomit and one about pee… I’m so original) and he laughs and does not look horrified, so things are looking good.

All of a sudden, I hear TF and White Chocolate yell “J!” and wave madly towards the door.  Their friend J, who is also Mike’s friend from the first night we met, enters the bar and is heading our way.  J looks up past our table, cocks his head to the side and yells “Mike!?  What are you doing back there?”

… Mike had been standing behind our table, not coming over (well, from what I can assume) because I was talking to The Chef.  Who KNOWS how long he had been standing back there!  But now he had to come join us… he had been spotted!  Mike and J head over and (awkward) introductions are made.  I do my best to be really excited to see Mike, given the circumstances.

As Mike hugged TF hello [A/N: I obviously found this out later] he whispered, “Who is that…” to her, nodding toward The Chef.  

“Just a guy we met tonight, I don’t know…” she covers, obviously not going to reveal that we were the ones who forced The Chef to come to us.

Here is where we recap that I am now sitting at a table with my friends, a CHEF who is hitting on me, and a guy I went out on a date with a week ago.  And the only thing that is running through my head is:  BLOG WORTHY!!!!  (Sad.)

The most awkward/amazing 15 minutes of my life ensued, Mike talking mostly to TF, and The Chef, oblivious, prattling on to me.

Finally, The Chef asks for my number and I give it to him in hopes that he will take it and run.  Nope, awkwardly STILL SITS THERE.  Jesus.  White Chocolate and TF want to leave at this point and I am pretty drunk, yet sober enough to realize:  This night can only go downhill.  I better get out while at least one of the guys was oblivious and the other one hadn’t seen anything too incriminating.  We all stand up to say goodbye, and Mike makes a beeline for the opposite side of the bar.   

Hell no.  Extracting myself from a hug from The Chef and yelling goodbye, I launch myself over a table and a few chairs and grab Mike’s arm.

“Hey!  Hi!  I’m so sorry about that, I didn’t even really get to say hello to you or hear about Florida!”, I exclaim, giving him a giant hug and praying that I smell like a pretty girl and it will help him forgive me.  

Mike claims it is all cool, and we chat for a few more minutes and make plans for this Friday.  I am also going to a party at his house on Saturday night, so we are basically hanging out two nights in a row.

Back home, I am getting ready for bed when I get a text from Mike… and we start drunk texting back and forth.  It starts off cute and just heads down some Path of The Asshole pretty quickly… check it out:

Mike:  Hey you should have stayed.  let me know bout later this wk

Beth: i should have, you are right.  but i had been drinking since 3 and needed to go home.

Mike:  Lame.

Beth:  I will make it up to you, I promise.

Mike: A ha well this is super fun so what.

(about 15 min pass, I don’t respond because I am talking on the phone AND I had no idea what the fuck that text even meant)

Mike: Why no response?

(…WHAT.  Excuse me?)

Beth:  Sorry I was on the phone. you are drunk texting me right now and its pretty amazing.

Mike: well, I’m pretty amazing and in bed now.

Beth:  Weird, because I’m also pretty amazing and in bed.  Did you have a fun night?

Mike:  I always have fun. 

Beth:  OK, well we will hang out this weekend… I’m pretty excited for my Mike themed weekend.

Mike:  It’s always a good thing.

Uhhh… hey Mike… you have a serious case of “Guy trying way way too hard to be cool and failing.”  I’m pretty sure you can’t drunk text a girl (an act that clearly shows you are thinking about her) and also have one of those texts be “Why no response?” like a GIANT FREAK and THEN try to be awesome and aloof in your responses.

AND THEN.

TF gets to work Wednesday morning to an e-mail from J… she forwarded it to me and here is the best part:

Hey hey-

Great seeing you and the ladies at the bar last night. I was definitely surprised.  And more surprised to meet Beth’s new friend Tony!  I had a pretty good time, how about you?  You ladies bounced pretty early, though.  I guess Beth was pretty apologetic to Mike for the whole tony-jabroni weirdness, huh.  I told him that that kid was really creeping on her and she was pretty much defenseless!

So, to sum it up:

Mike failed to come find me when he got to the bar,  whined to his friend about how when he finally did get around to finding me, I was talking to another guy AND THEN drunk texted me some assholish/standoffish shit and demanded to know “Why no response?”. I’m sorry, Mike, but if you want me to NOT be talking to another guy, maybe you should make a tiny bit of fucking effort AND also try being nice to me.  I know that shit that “girls like assholes” is probably what you are trying to pull, but you are failing.  Big time.  I know he had to be the one to see me talking to another guy, and I honestly felt really bad at first, but not anymore.  I think I am being way too nice to him for how he is treating me.

So I am going into a double-date weekend with MMM feeling a little pissed at him.  I’m thinking I can take out my frustrations via a rough drunken make-out, but if he pulls anymore asshole shit, I am going to have to write him off completely.  I really don’t want to do that, but he leaves me no choice.

And as for The Chef, I am still waiting to hear from him.  He was a little shy and unsure, so we’ll see if he actually calls me.  I made him put me in his phone as Beth P. Mustache, and anyone who doesn’t call a girl who insists on that is an idiot.  In my opinion.

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Tags: beth p. mustache, dont be a jerk to me please men, this is what happens when you live in a tiny state