Ah! I must post today and get yesterday’s post out of our minds! A small clarification, if I may… I know that I am OBVIOUSLY hot shit. I mean, duh. And I also know that I am not a huge Jenny Craig before picture too. It’s more like the difference between old Jessica Simpson and the new Mom Jeans Simpson. Still hot? Well, yes if you get rid of that absurd outfit… just bigger. And that is how I felt last year. Just bigger. And this year, I would like to be smaller.
But I realized too late that I was pretty much asking for it by posting that picture. Thank you to everyone for saying nice things. I just need to say once and for all that I was exaggerating and trying to be silly with the words “fat fatty” and I do not have an unhealthy body image nor was I planning on it being a “Beth is fishing for compliments let’s all roll our eyes” post.
So! The good news is that you get a reward today for your nice comments and for looking past my obnoxiousness.
(Your REAL reward for the 100th post is still 4 posts away [this post is #96], but this one is pretty goddamn amazing.)
The story is simple, really. The Lawyer and her family and I have alternative personalities that we have invented. This alterna-family is… somewhat trashy. Last year, I went to Chicago and The Lawyer and I spent an entire day driving around to secondhand shops wardrobing our trashy personas.
Then we all (The Lawyer, her husband, her child, and me) dressed up as our characters and went to Sears. (This is a true story, I swear.) At Sears, we went to the Extremely Professional Portrait area and got some family photos taken. And OH HOW I WISH that I could post that final picture, I do.. it is so epic. But The Lawyer is what some people call Very Important and works at A Big Firm and her likeness cannot appear online. So sad. We took the final portrait and slapped it on front of some cards and mailed them to every member of our extended family and some friends, signed with our alternata-family names. We didn’t tell anyone to expect them. We just sent.
So your reward is introduction to the classiest lady in town … Diane Beaver:
Stats
Name: Diane Beaver
Occupation: Cocktail waitress down at The Sandpit
Interests: One Life To Live, Aquanet, other people’s husbands, white zinfandel, The Euphoria Institute, huge banana clips
Claim to fame: Dedicating “I’m Every Woman” to ex-husband(s) on Delilah After Dark
Trademarks: Sweet bangs, gold plated jewelry, Wet’n'Wild eyeliner
Favorite Quote: ”I’m a dancer!” -Nomi Malone
30 Comments
February 10, 2009 at 2:49 pm
The saddest part about this is…
you look exactly like my ex fiance in that picture. Leopard print and all.
so even though you look nice… I really have nothing good to say here.
February 10, 2009 at 2:51 pm
You are a hot mess in this picture. Its total perfection.
February 10, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Nice Beaver!
February 10, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Um, I can’t believe I have to point this out, but you didn’t provide ALL of Ms. Beaver’s, um, “stats”.
February 10, 2009 at 3:17 pm
You effing rock! (DANG it. Still can’t drop the f-bomb without looking like a tool who’s trying too hard).
And I’m cracking up at the Jessica Simpson analogy. Perfection.
February 10, 2009 at 3:17 pm
And DANG it. I just said “tool.”
February 10, 2009 at 3:54 pm
This is pretty effing fabulous and I’m jeal.
February 10, 2009 at 4:33 pm
You are a freakin riot.
February 10, 2009 at 4:38 pm
The claim to fame just made my day. Seriously.
February 10, 2009 at 4:39 pm
i’m speechless.
February 10, 2009 at 5:34 pm
in that case, just call me ‘Charlene’
February 10, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Leather boots + leather skirt + Leopard print = Awesome overload … hahaha
February 10, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Hahaha. Can I borrow that outfit next time I’m in town? I like the way those shoulder pads really accentuate your narrow waist.
OW OWWWWWWWWW
February 10, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Dear Diane Beaver, my dearest cousin, thank you so much for making my shit-storm tornado day less crappy. The glare from your chipped gold plated hoops has blinded the bleakness from my otherwise nauseating day. Seriously, I think the room next door in this crap hotel might call security I’m laughing so hard. Love this post. Love you. Also, I think Diane Beaver would definately use kotex instead of playtex; and I think she would have a tatoo of a B right above at the base of either her neck or spine or both. Just some things to consider as your altera-personality “ages.”
February 11, 2009 at 1:31 am
Diane just reminded me of the fact that there exists in the world a picture of me in a Budweiser bikini.
February 11, 2009 at 1:40 am
Leopard print and leather! Perfect.
February 11, 2009 at 1:40 am
*faux leather
February 11, 2009 at 10:00 am
Is Miss. Beaver sporting a broach as well? That’s classy.
February 11, 2009 at 10:52 am
every part of the stats is perfect. One Life to Live as an interest? awesome.
February 11, 2009 at 11:30 am
You really did all that? You and your friends are a lot more creative than me and mine.
We just get drunk and yell about stuff.
February 11, 2009 at 1:21 pm
YESSSSS! wait…one life to live? I’m kinda addicted to soaps….wait….I kinda relate to this person…wait…
:) So fun! I love that the Lawyer is married and shit and still has crazy ass fun!
February 11, 2009 at 1:21 pm
:)
February 11, 2009 at 2:04 pm
OMG THE BANGS. CANNOT STOP LOOKING AT THE HAIR.
February 11, 2009 at 11:58 pm
ok this makes up for the last “fatty” post. hilarious.
February 12, 2009 at 10:50 am
AHAHAHA ummmmm, I think you should name any future children you have “Nomi.” Because, c’mon.
February 12, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I think a lot of us have that sort’ve issue w/weight and what not.. even if it ISN’T a huge weight gain.
February 12, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I just died.
I wish you had pictures of you in a moo-moo from Wal-mart.
February 16, 2009 at 10:45 am
hahahaha love it. It looks real, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing? LOL
March 10, 2009 at 12:32 pm
[...] year, I must be more detected, apathetic and depressed, and you, well, its been a bad bad year for Diane Beaver. Thusly, I feel strongly that FRIDAY should be spent at a consignment store of high value [...]
April 14, 2009 at 11:07 pm
[...] can honestly say, from the moment I saw his Diane Beaver sign by baggage claim, the giant smile on my face never [...]