Traumatization

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Yesterday, TF and I went to the gym around 3 (yup, we have a corporate gym in our building and often blow off work in the afternoon to go play in it) and got back to our desks around 4:30.  I checked my e-mail and saw an irritating request to finish something by 5 p.m.  Disgruntled, I printed the e-mail with the instructions for my task and went to the printers (right behind me, remember?) to grab it.  I picked up what I thought was my print-out and glanced down to read it.

“… severely reduced communications team… if we are going to justify so-and-so’s job… so-and-so’s departure is this date… so-and-so can do this persons job when they leave…”

Holy.  Shit.  I had picked up some e-mail that was just SITTING on the printer and it was about the upcoming layoffs (that have yet to be officially announced, BTW) and it was NAMING NAMES.  NAMING NAMES.  Of people to be laid-off.

Naturally, I sat there and read the entire thing (3 pages!).  Thank god my name wasn’t mentioned (either as a person who is staying or departing, so no word on my future yet) but the real concern here is WHO the fuck PRINTED this and just left it sitting here… oh, the DIRECTOR OF PR, THAT’S WHO.  Great, what a professional.

My heart slamming in my chest at what I just discovered, I immediately put it back on the printer and went to TF’s office.  Too afraid to write anything electronically or speak the words out loud, I grabbed a pen and wrote what I had just found on a piece of paper for her to read.  Naturally, she ran to the printer and read the entire thing too.

Back at her desk, we furiously whispered about what to do.  Every piece of my being wanted to leave it there and pretend I never saw it, but the chance that someone who was mentioned in it would find it was too great.  I knew what I had to do.

I was literally shaking as I walked the printout to the DPR (Director of PR’s) office.  She was in a meeting, but this was important (since I was at the gym and not guarding the printer for the past hour, I had no insight into who else might have seen it at that point) so I knocked and went in.

“Um… this was at the printer.  I don’t know how long it’s been there.  I just wanted to let you know.” I said, placing the papers on her desk.  Turning quickly, I fled and went back to my cube.  Holy shit, now she knows that I have seen it, but I had to do it.  I HAD TO.

Two minutes later, DPR and the Director of Internal Communications (DIC) come to my cube.

“We need to talk to you privately about this.” they said, pulling me into an empty office and shutting the door.  Obviously concerned, they grilled me on when I had found it and how.  I admitted to being really freaked out, and they apologized that I had to find something like that.  Of course, the DPR venomously denied having printed it (yea effing right, your name is RIGHT THERE).  

Their main concern was whether or not I had told anyone and if they could have my word to keep what I read to myself.  ”Definitely.  Yes, I brought it straight to your office when I found it and I won’t say anything about it to anyone, I promise.”  Lieeee.  Lie.  Lie.  Clearly a lie.

Back at my cube, I am trying to slow my heart-rate when TF flies by my office, popping her head in for a split second to utter one word: 

“Fuck.”

She ran off before I could ask what the problem was.  Two minutes later I get an IM from her.  

TF:  I need to leave right now.  RIGHT NOW.

B:  What… What??

TF:  I have to leave.  I am losing my mind.  I just did the dumbest thing I have ever done, ever.  I have to leave.

B:  Oh my god.

B:  Oh my god.  Oh my god.  What did you do?  WHAT DID YOU DO?

TF:  ”DPR and DIC just ran to VP’s office to tell her what happened.”

B: …

TF:  … I just accidentily IMed that to DPR instead of you.

B:  OH my god.  Holy shit.  Oh my god.  No No noooo.  No.  No you did not.  TF NO.

…

TF:  So I just ran down to DPR’s office and Xed out the IM box from me on her computer.

…

OK, I know this is highly unethical but I just need to say:  … Ahahahahahhaha!

Let me just declare publicly and forever more:  TF, you are my ultimate hero and champion.  You illegally entered a DIRECTOR’S office to X out an IM conversation just so I would not be caught in a lie.  True, there would have been implications for you as well, but you know the worst of it would have been on me because I lied.  Holy.  Effing.  Shit.

Needless to say, TF and I hightailed it out of there and proceeded to have a series of heart attacks on our walk to her car.  I don’t think I have ever had a more nervewracking afternoon at the office EVER and I hope I never will again.

[And yes, The Lawyer, as my most esteemed council and as a representative of the court, you are allowed to

1) lecture me on e-discovery ASAP and how foolish we are

2) pretend you never read this and are unaware of my indiscretions

I apologize for our incredible stupidity.]

 

I’m traumatized.

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Tags: I think I have angina, TF is my hero, there are some things you wish just never happened