I am incredibly busy at work today, so I am taking my lunch at my desk just to write this next VIP (very important post) for everyone.
It is time we toured my cubicle. Let’s begin:
The Wall Of Crap I Like
1- Fake movie poster that one of my cousins made for the book/screenplay they are writing. It’s called No Relation and it is about my New Hampshire Aunt (played by Kathy Bates) and Uncle (played by Cheech or Chong, I can’t tell which one) and their family. My favorite cousin, The Lawyer (represented up there by Tina Fey), is writing most of the book and is someone I have yet to blog about, but she is a separate post altogether because she is so amazing.
2- The absolute most retarded, nonsensical ad that I could ever imagine an agency pitching, yet this was actually pitched to me a few months ago. It is a wolf with a jet reflected in its eye with the caption “WE’RE BOTH HUNGRY.” I have no idea how this was supposed to be related to our business. None. No clue what we are both hungry for; all I know is that I am hungry for the sheer comedy of retardando ad agencies pitching this kind of crap.
3- This cartoon from xkcd. I think it was actually written about me. It inspires me daily.
4- A card someone gave me making fun of corporate slang. This one is specific to the term “drill down”. The picture is of two old people and the grandma is saying to the sad grandpa “Let’s drill down on your existential funk.”
5- My Nana holding up a sign that says “Only Quitters Quit” at a marathon that a few of my cousins ran. This is my favorite thing on the wall. It is so Lucille from Arrested Development and it makes me laugh every time I look at it.
7- A drawing that some crazy focus group participant made for me of the letter “B” looking like a scuba diver.
8- An outdated project plan.
Important notes:
- There is one thing on The Wall Of Crap I Like that is actually relevant to my job. ONE. THING. And it is outdated and as far away from where I sit as possible.
- Most of the things are shitty print-outs from our color printer and not actual printed photos. This really helps me reach my goal design aesthetic of “…shithole.”
Actual Work Space
1- The research project I should be working on right now instead of doing this.
2- Pile of unorganized papers. I have to sort through this at least 4 times a day to find things I need.
3- $5 mirror that I do my make-up in when I am bored. It also comes in handy for checking my teeth before meetings.
4- Pile of crap. Apparently, this is the correct place to put things like empty mugs and staplers.
5- Thing I waste my money on every day but can’t stop.
And Finally A Scientific Diagram Of How Much It Sucks To Sit Where I Sit
Like I said, this is a very scientific diagram. It shows the proximity from where I sit to the printer station. In case you didn’t know this, it sucks a lot to sit right next to the printers. I often feel like the guardian of all paper documents. I have to keep a pair of headphones ready to go at all times in case the printer breaks and someone needs help fixing it. This way, when they start to bang on it and loudly sigh to signal me to help them, I can have my pandora on full blast and ignore them completely. Headphones also help drown out all of the insanely annoying conversations people have at the printer station.
So as you can tell, I am working in some fancy diggs. I am practically royalty around here. All I need is a shitty printout of me dressed at Bret Michaels and I think my cubicle decor will be complete.
20 Comments
November 5, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Please send me a copy of that ad. It is pure awesome.
November 5, 2008 at 3:30 pm
My office is next to the copy machine… I totally feel your pain.
November 5, 2008 at 5:03 pm
We have the same work phone!!!
November 5, 2008 at 6:29 pm
I’m obsessed with this post, partially because I work with Beth and have to look at her hysterical wall ‘o shit everyday [diagram one]! Apollocreed you are correct, the ad is pure awesome. My personal fav too.
Side note: the cubicle behind the printer is mine :)
November 5, 2008 at 7:10 pm
At my last job, I sat right next to the printer/fax station. I hated every minute of it. Especially when all the mommies on the office would gather there to talk about something silly their kid did, or the Wiggles, or Dora the Explorer, etc.
I never felt the need to purchase a personal mp3 player until I worked there. The confines of my iPod was my own personal pleasuredome.
November 5, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Sadly, my workstation is just a blank wall pretty much. so, so sad.
November 5, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Always dig a girl who can pull of a scarf.
And blond? Be still my blogging heart.
November 5, 2008 at 8:20 pm
i can’t decorate because i’m in a wide open space by our front door, so i need to keep it “client’s vision” appropriate.
the only thing that decorates my space is the 15 post-its with hearts drawn on them that you left there for me.
the lt. governor is coming tomorrow. we were asked to clean up our work spaces. i didn’t move the hearts.
November 5, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Haha, I just started reading this blog, and that was the first post I saw, and I’m hooked. It was hilarious and I can’t wait to keep reading your blog.
November 6, 2008 at 1:31 am
1) Let’s all say thanks to Chris at Surviving Myself for linking to you on 20SB.
2) He is clearly a man of taste and distinction.
3) I am a fan of your site.
4) And will probably keep on reading it.
5) Just saying “Hi” and “Keep being entertaining.” :)
November 6, 2008 at 8:39 am
Please please do more scientific diagrams. Loved this one.
November 6, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Randy, put a shirt on and listen up. Printer complaints? Please. Take a walk in my shoes.
From my office (which share) I can periodically here the trickle of water or running of a stream. Wow, you must think I have a corner office with a window overlooking a lazy river. I have none of the above. At other times I hear a muffled plop of water as if a young Obama support is pitching pennies into a fountain; as he wishes for change. Wow, possibly you believe I’m next to Buckingham Fountain in a high rise on the Magnificent Mile. I’m not. At other times, I hear what could be described as a wave or spray. Am I near the ocean you ask? No, but occasionally water seeps through the wall. At other times I hear exclamations such as “AARGH” or “Oh my god!”, usually they are unintelligible, though once I heard “Doc, THAT came out of me. Is that normal?” What were they taking pictures and instant messaging with their proctologist. Let me answer that I thought, I’m no MD, but that is most definitely not normal.
Yes, I’m sure you’ve guessed what is adjacent to my office. I live in a part of the building prone to shitstorm tornados. The bathroom frequented outside my office is popular with the after lunch, “I just ate a cheesesteak”, crowd. Between 9-10 AM (possibly the Large (I refuse to say Venti or Grande to perky people) Starbucks coffee induces some reaction in the duodenum). I call this time slot the “AM BM”. I religiously put on my iPod and crank Ben Folds. This doesn’t stop the waft of air however. It slinks around the corner until I suddenly my nostril goes into convulsions. On reflex I usually look down to make sure I haven’t shat myself (I never have, but my friend Matt did). Then I look at my office mate. I never see a reaction. He’s fairly stoic however and Romanian.
People, the 1/2 inch plasterboard between the toilet and my desk does not attenuate the flatulence, the splashing, the dripping, flapping orifices, or utter detonations that occur inside your toilet. Possibly I’m a bit sensitive. I can’t even bear to listen to the Sam Adams commercials where a beer is poured into a frosty mug with 6 inches of foam.
What can I do you ask? If you are going to build a poo cabin, simply shut the door after you blow up the bathroom. And if you are really an eager beaver, turn on the fan after playing with the butt cobra. Too much to ask? Apparently it is.
I’m not trying to embarrass anyone in particular. I, thank god, cannot see who enters and exits like a junior high hall monitor. It could be the old secretary that serving up some soft serve, or the janitor making a cleveland steamer or the doc himself watching the Jamaican bobsled team
Sometimes, because I’m republican, I got into the bathroom after the “dust has cleared”, turn on the fan, the light and then leave shutting the door behind me. F*ck you Al gore and the environment, so I’m wasting some electricity, “contributing to global warming” oh no!. But the gas leaking from the bathroom puts a farm of cows to shame, and I think its killing me. This trick deters the category 1 and 2 storms, but the monster Category 3 and 4’s, they shuffle down the hall, as if taking too big a step will prematurely initiate the shitstorm, and knock on the door with the sort of authority that communicates the urgency of the situation. I can HEAR the door shut, I HEAR the toilet seat slam down, I HEAR the zipper unzip, I HEAR the toilet creak, and then I HEAR the detonation and I take the last gasp of fresh air before my office becomes ground zero for the latest shitstorm.
November 6, 2008 at 4:03 pm
apollo- it was actually part of a series. you would be amazed.
sara- ooo copier would be extra annoying.
matt- i ordered it from the office max just to copy you! weird!
TF- yes, i forgot to mention you sit right on the other side of those printers. love. never leave me.
TO- office mommies are.the.worst.
JD- decorate! let me know if you need ideas.
SO- ::blushes::
shorty- hehe i was tricky with those hearts… remember how i even got one inside your phone?
jessica- made my day :)
fancy- I am nothing without Chris at Surviving Myself. nothing. also, your blog is amazing.
The Lawyer- you are my most favorite cousin and my most dedicated council… i will do as many scientific charts as you want.
and finally:
Mr. Lahey- … oh dear god. i am speechless. i almost wish i didn’t know who you were, but your email gives you away sir. i don’t think anyone would believe me if i told them. i just want to know what you were neglecting to do at work so you could sit here and write this. i am amazed and i want a comment of this caliber on every post from now on.
November 6, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Ok, I can’t believe this. I have been on the road lawyering stuff and alls I had was my blackberry, so I couldn’t see the images clearly enough. But, I had to get on my laptop just now to confirm what I thought. Picture #2 in your cubicle, the horrible “wolf eye” photo–that one. Here’s another reason why its horrible. Your picture of that picture looks like a giant swollen vagine with a bloody newborn head coming out. Whoever thought that was a good idea, should quit marketing and go to law school. Awful.
November 6, 2008 at 11:01 pm
ps, I’m so proud of Mr. Lahey.
November 6, 2008 at 11:26 pm
i like your scarf!
November 7, 2008 at 12:45 am
oh wow. you are right. it is a giant, giant vagina giving birth and not a wolf at all! i was mistaken!
also, Mr. Lahey is absurd. on a scale of 1-10, how does it feel to be married to (and have a child with!) someone who just used the term “butt cobra”?
(PS- Thanks Brookem! A secret is that it is just from Target. They have it in like 15 different colors. go get one!)
November 7, 2008 at 11:26 am
It is a 10 to be married to the Butt Cobra. In fact, when I read his comment, I was walking down the street of DC on my way to a meeting and stopped in the middle of a crosswalk with tears (tears of joy) laughing and snorting so hard. “Butt Cobra” was the very first words I spit out to Mr. Lahey when I called to compliment him with many many words of pride. How can a girl from Raymond have been so lucky to find such a prince? A Butt Cobra prince?
November 7, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Well Mr Lahey Id like to see some scientific diagrams from you on the plopping and fizzing. I’ll never drink a draft Sam Adams again , thank you.
Fro what it’s worth ,In a much different context Ive used the term “butt snake ” . I wish you did’nt feel the need to throw Al Gore under the bus. However you’ve gained my empathy. Beth’s cubicle is a wonderland in comparison. Butt remember I lived with a girl, (Shannon’s fault) who woke every day at six am and apparently shot melted chocolate bars out of a cannon into our toilet… every morning, grunting and everything.
December 2, 2008 at 11:30 pm
[...] Disgruntled, I printed the e-mail with the instructions for my task and went to the printers (right behind me, remember?) to grab it. I picked up what I thought was my print-out and glanced down to read [...]