It’s possible to get butterflies while on the internet*

In a fit of drunken lust/irresponsibility/boredom on Tuesday, I booked a one-way ticket to LA and here I am… in the sexy dojo once again. Where is the corporate, responsible Beth of a few months ago? Last time we saw her, she was buying pencil skirts from Banana Republic and analyzing powerpoints. Does anyone even remember her anymore? And what does one of my best friends, TF, think of this new Beth? How did one of my closest friends react to the situation, back when I announced my intentions to come here the first time? Is SO only charming on the internet? What are the top three most awkward things anyone has ever said to a wingwoman? Read on for all these answers from none other than the amazing and wonderful and hot and skinny… TF.

(*because Head Over Flats was taken, which I’d like to claim credit for making up. It is genius and nobody appreciated it!)

With Beth turning into a jet-setter overnight, it has been hard to find time to catch up with her recently. We planned to do dinner on Tuesday night and if any of you can remember, Tuesday was this beautiful 80-degree April day in New England – rare, I must say. I had to work all day, so I was craving sunshine by the time 5 p.m. rolled around. Beth picked me up from work and we went straight to a little Greek restaurant that we LOVE and just so happens to have outdoor seating. We sat outside with sunglasses in tow, and could not be happier. We drank a bottle of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc wine — which I claim tastes exactly like Beth (it’s her favorite kind of wine and she always make everyone drink it) — gossiped for hours about our future careers and men, and ate delicious food.

I haven’t always been this supportive of Beth’s and SO’s relationship. Beth doesn’t have a track record for picking the most upstanding citizens to date (Beth will kill me for publishing this) and I was doubtful of her ability to identify a good guy from the internet, of all places. What if she was going to be stuck in LA with a Rugby-esque idiot? I needed her to be prepared for this possibility.

The whole announcement of her gchat/phone flirtations sort of took me by surprise so I shrugged it off until the day she told me she had booked a flight to LA. What? Who does that? I went over to her house the very next day to try and talk some sense into her, but the only piece of advice that seemed to stick was that I didn’t want her to expect things to be perfect the minute she stepped out of the plane. Beth likes to romanticize things if you didn’t already know. I think it’s from reading too many books.

Anyways, I was still really nervous for her, but decided to be supportive because I had never seen her this happy before. The night before she left for LA, I went over to her house to help her pack and distract her – talk about hearts in her eyes – and she hadn’t even met him yet! I was sitting at her computer as she was packing/doing laundry and we were listening to Taylor Swift (amazing) when SO sent Beth a gchat message. I saw my opportunity to get some first-hand knowledge of this guy, so I started talking to him online. Within his first two words, I was hooked. Butterflies in my stomach, hooked.

One highlight of my chat with SO was when he asked me about one of the more hilarious “Being Beth’s Wingwoman” stories he had heard. He wanted my firsthand account of what it was like to sit next to one of Beth’s more questionable love interest’s awkward friends (we’ll call him Awkward Willy) during a night of dinner/drinks last summer that has since turned into almost an urban legend among our friends.

TF: yeah, I sat next to Awkward Willy at dinner
SO@24: top 3 Awkward Willy lines.
1
2
3
GO
TF: ahhh I’m nervous!
okayyy –
TF: 1. I’m nervous ordering red meat
SO@24: HHAHAHAAH
TF: 2. I feel so cool right now
SO@24: …
TF: 3. What are those olives doing in your glass?
SO@24: no
no no no
TF: yes
yes yes yes

Obviously, I don’t actually have a crush on SO – I’m 4-years deep into my own, great relationship – but I could instantly tell why Beth was hopping on a plane to go see him. (I just hoped he didn’t have any friends like Awkward Willy.) And, ever sense I have been one of her biggest supporters!

I just hope he is as charming in person as he is online… I’ll know when I meet him. Soon. When he comes to the East Coast. Ahem SO. Ahem.

Xoxo,
TF

Just kicking down the cobblestones

That’s it.  I’m just going to stop even unpacking my suitcase at this point.  I am clearly allergic to being in my apartment for more than two nights in a row.  I just got back from LA two days ago and I already have plans to go up to The Lawyer’s tomorrow for some serious Pretend We Are North Shore Wives With No Jobs And Nothing To Do But Eat Lunch.  Then I’m going straight from there to Boston to have partytimes with KT and NMRM on Friday and Saturday.  What am I thinking!?  And I didn’t mention this, but I was home in NY for Easter weekend in between LA weekends… so that is a grand total of: A really fucking long time being away from my apartment (remember I was house-sitting for 10 days before I went to LA the first time too!)

So LA weekend (… v.2) was even better than the first trip.  The first trip will forever be the most amazing weekend of my life and was full of vomitworthy fairytale feelings and mush and all that.  It was SO at his best and Beth at her best, and it was great.  This time around, however, it was like everything was more relaxed and real and more… in the moment?

I think the first time, the feelings were so foreign and overwhelming, it made me feel like I had to figure out what to do with them righthenandthereandwhatisgoingtohappenomg.  But this weekend, I think SO and I both realized we should just really enjoy the amazingness that is the first stages of dating.  I’m supposed to be unsure and nervous and giddy and spontaneous right now… we don’t have to answer everything or figure out where this is all going at this moment.  We can just… be.

And it’s fucking great.  Eesh.  I can hardly believe we are real sometimes.

In other news, I realized I never even wrote about how I quit The Restaurant Second Circle of Hell and started freelancing.  Well, technically I quit the restaurant in a fit of irresponsibility before I knew that I had this freelancing gig lined up, but who’s looking at the exact dates really… (Answer: RI unemployment who is currently auditing me and I will probably lose benefits…. oops?)

So I’m pretty much working for myself and that is why I have been able to be a super jetsetter (Where to, Gumshoe?) and do all this spontaneous traveling.

The main thing on my mind right now is:  what’s next?  All I know is that I need NEED some stability, and soon.

Paycheck?  Yes, coming in and fortunately I am using my brain/talents to make money (unlike waiting tables where I was using my ability to impersonate a brainless robot who loved spaghetti to make money).   But my projects could end any minute and it’s terrifying.  This is nothing like having a stable check.

Money in general that is not used to pay bills and eat?  Wha?  Huh?  No.

Lovelife? Uh.  Fantastic, but 3000 miles away and still really new.  Talk about complicated.

Friends?  Family?  Things to do?  ::looks to the left and right slowly::  Uhhh… not in this town!

Living situation?  Condo that I rent is officially for sale.  Could be sold any time and my lease is up August 31.  Additionally, Rhode Island is a blowjob.  

More about that, actually.  I need to get OUT of here.  I was waffling on whether or not to try to stay and make RI a home and make it work or to move somewhere else.  TF sat me down a few weeks ago and looked me straight in the eye… “Beth.  What are you doing?  Get the hell out of this state.  Your family doesn’t live here.  I am your only friend here and I’m leaving soon too!  Go.  Get up and just GO.”  I blinked at her a few times while what she said sunk in.  And I realized just how right she was.  

The next day, I walked out of my apartment and took a good look around.  I do not love this place.  I have tried to.  I really have.  I’ve been here for almost two years and I have tried to make it a home, but it is still not.  I gave it a fair shot.  It’s time to move on.

So the only decision that has been made right now is:  NOT Rhode Island.  The rest?  Who the hell knows.  All I know is that I have some major thinking to do.

Head Over Flats: Part 2 of 2

PUMP THE BRAKES!  PUMP THE BRAKES!

That.  Is what I want to say to life right now.  I can hardly keep up!  Orrrr maybe everything is a blur because I am super distracted with this thing:

What a cute thing!

So back to what I was thinking before I left and then I will get to some juicy juicy details of my trip:

With all my flat shoes packed up and less than 24 hours to go, I revisited all of my fears about the situation and tried to lay them to rest.

Fear #1:  There would be no attraction.  I pictured this as the saddest scenario, because I already knew how much I cared about SO and he cared about me.   The thought of one of us not being attracted to the other in person was devastating.

Fear #2: There would be attraction, maybe up to The Lick, so we could have a fun weekend together but not enough attraction that when I left, we could continue all of the amazing, fun, flirting conversations that had been happening.  This was scary because I didn’t want that phase to end… but after a weekend with only moderate attraction, where could we have gone?

Fear #3:  The Play-Doh would be off the charts.  As I said to SO in one of our conversations… “Imagine if we are totally perfect for each other and then I have to leave after four days.  That shit is gonna hurt.”

… I guess I forgot to add “and also be SUPER fucking confusing and hard” to the end of that last one.  Crap.  

I can honestly say, from the moment I saw his Diane Beaver sign by baggage claim, the giant smile on my face never disappeared.

I was fully expecting the first night to be awkward and hesitant– both of us wanting to test out a kiss, but neither of us having the courage.

Uh… nope.  

We only made it through one appetizer and were practically chugging our wine (checkpleasenowpleaseNOW) at the restaurant.  We got to his apartment condo dojo and he planted one within two minutes.  Being attracted to one another was even easier than talking– it just felt natural.  I know it is hard to believe, but there was truly no awkwardness.  I was so nervous about transitioning to being comfortable feeling all sexytime with someone who I met online and in this weird situation, you know?  But it was the most comfortable sex I have ever had.  It was like we would be laughing one minute, being mushy the next, and then being dirty a moment after that.  I never thought that I would have all three of those things so quickly with someone.

I also thought that SO would be (based on his blog) super nervous and unsure of what to do.  

Uh… also nope.  SUPER confident and aggressive and as I told him, “A really good toucher.”  I don’t know why I was so surprised, but I guess it is just another testament to how well we clicked.  The thought of him writing something about how apprehensive he was to kiss me is almost comical.  The levels of instant ease, comfort, and attraction were eerie… nervousness and hesitation would just never happen between us.

There are so many details I want to write here but if I start going into them, I’ll never stop.  But some highlights include:

- When we sat across from each other at a restaurant, we obviously weren’t going to be disgusting and hold hands across the table, so I would kick my sandal off and my foot would get tucked up in his legs.  I don’t know why that is significant to me, but it is.

- It was physically impossible to be apart from him for more than a moment.  Impossible.

- We had perfect days.  Waking up to each other, laying in bed for hours, followed by lunch at restaurants that looked like tree forts, getting a few drinks in the afternoon, strolling around holding hands… I want to puke on myself right now, but IT REALLY WAS that perfect.

- The laughing.  Oh God.  The laughing.

- I just threw up in my trash can.  I’M SORRY WE’RE SO ADORABLE!!  I REALLY AM!!!  

- I promise I will be sarcastic, self-deprecating, and original again at some point.

- Popping into a bookstore so he could pick-up The Missing Piece.  Sooooo SO.  

- Getting beers in the afternoon right after that at a little bar and pointing out our favorite parts of The Missing Piece.

- Eating In-N-Out at a little table while the sun set behind us on my last night.  I wore no makeup and his old baseball tee and licked ketchup off my hand while I told him the story of how Shorty and I met.  It felt like a regular Monday night and the most perfect Monday night all at once, if that makes any sense.

PUKE!

OK, to make up for the vomitworthyness, I’ll give you a brief overview of our other activities Friday through Monday:

…

Oh, and I guess I should mention… tomorrow?  You know, not even a full two weeks after I left to go to LA the first time?

I am going back.  

For five more days.

Because I can’t not.

Head Over Flats: Part 1 of 2

“Does it bother you that I’m shorter than you?” he asked, glancing back at me over his shoulder and squeezing my hand as we walked to the car.

I blinked at him a few times in the California sun.  The question didn’t register at first.  Bother me?  How could anything about this man possibly bother me?

I mean, I had certainly thought about it enough leading up to coming here.  The height thing.  But in the blur of the past few days, it was funny to me how much it didn’t matter.  In fact, it was to the sickening point where I might have actually preferred it.

…

But I guess I should back up.  The whole story.  From the beginning.  Because this shit is too damn good to keep to myself.

It all started a stormy night (lies) in March.  I have no idea how long this will take for me to tell, but whatever.  

Lezzgo.

Sometime in early March, good ole SO@24 commented on a post asking if I lived in NYC.

I e-mailed him back, “No, Rhode Island.  Unfortunately.  Why?”

“I’m going to be in New York for work next weekend.  I wanted to meet up.”

From there, we started e-mailing about everything and nothing (A/N: “everything and nothing” is just the beginning of the vomit-worthy, unoriginal cliches that are going to be dropped in this series.  I can’t help it.  I’m sorry.)

In true SO fashion, he offered up his gchat soon and his phone number not long after.  On my birthday, I sent him the first drunk text.

Two days later, I got a drunk dial.

The next day I got a sober dial.  And then every single day after that.  More texts. And calls.  And after seven days (yes, you read that right.  Seven fucking days is all it took.)  I booked a spur-of-the-moment ticket to go see him in LA.  The Saturday after I booked the ticket, I got drunk (are you sensing a theme here?) and wrote this cheesy ass shit:

- From our first words, we could not stop.  Not stop laughing, not stop talking, not stop asking each other questions, not stop finishing each others sentences, not stop wanting to be in contact 24/7.

- We talked every day last week.  For hours.

- I got drunk on Friday and, after a +1000 line gchat conversation and a lot of eHandholding, just went for it.  And yes, he offered to come to me, but I have never been to LA and I am currently unemployed, so the better option was for me to go to him.  Also Rhode Island is tiny and cold.  Also he is taking me to Disneyland.  

Q&A

Q. Are you aware that this is batshit insane, desperate, lame, incredibly weird, insane, and also insane?  

A. Absolutely.

***

Q. Do you care?

A. Hmm.  Yes and No.  Read on.

***

Q. But you do know what this looks like, right?

A. What, you mean that I am going to be labeled as a crazy, desperate fool who is flying across the country to meet someone from the internet after only a week?  I would actually agree with that.  I. Fucking. Concur.  But… is that label enough to say no?  To turn away from something spontaneous and fun and possibly really exciting?  Not for me.  Believe me when I say, I know what this looks like.  I’m no fool (or am I?).  But, when it came down to it, I have never met anybody that has made me laugh that much and consumed my thoughts within a week, ever.  And is there a chance that it is not real, that I am clinging to the attention, to the thought of this person, and not the real person?  Yes.  But there is also a chance that I am supposed to really know this person.  A big chance.

***

Q. Why the hell are you subjecting yourself to blogging about it?

A.  See, a weird thing happened the first time SO and I talked.  There were no cards to hide or show.  No strategies.  No (p p p p p p) pokerfaces. What would be the point?  We live across the country from each other!  It was the strangest thing I’ve ever experienced.  I’ve known where he stood every minute of every conversation and (I hope) vice versa.  Nothing here is new to him, there’s nothing I could say about him that he would be surprised by and (I hope) vice versa.  

Additionally, if you are reading this, chances are you understand a little something about blogging.  Yes, it is honest, but it is also condensed, editorialized, dumbed down or played up, etc.  So, in this world of blogging that we all love… why not?  Why not share this crazy thing I am involved in?  Who wouldn’t want to read about two (semi-insane) bloggers who have only been speaking for a month meet up for a weekend of who-the-fuck-knows-what?  

And if we both tried to be all stupid-secretive about who each other was, well… that’s just arrogant and pointless.

***

Q.  Are you going to sleep with SO@24??!?  OMG, he needs to get laid, please say you are going to sleep with him.

A.  Fuck you.

***

So it was done.  I had my ticket.  I had this person.  I had never done anything like this before.

And I am going to write about it all.  You must understand if you are going to read this though, I am in a strange state right now.  As Shorty said when I talked to her a few days ago, “WHERE IS THE REAL BETH?!?!”  Because in the past, I would have puked all over someone who is acting the way I am acting right now.

I’m floating around with giant pink hearts in my eyes.  I actually possess a picture of SO and I KISSING on a BEACH.    I won’t listen to anything that doesn’t have the lyrics “now that we’re one now!” in it.  Chocolate covered strawberries are appealing for the first time.  Bearskin rugs all of a sudden make sense.  I’m incapable of having an original thought that isn’t soaked in cheese.

And I couldn’t be happier.

Face Time!

I’m pretty busy tending to my blog heart out in LA right now, but the amazing Not My Real Mom has been kind enough to fill in for me.  Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be wrapped up in this crazy blog world and NOT be a blogger?  Also, have you ever wondered if I ever almost had a threesome with a hick in a tent?  Wonder no more:

With Beth out of town gallivanting around Disney Land with Mickey, Minnie, and some dude, I graciously offered my services to fill the void for her avid readers. I myself am not a blogger, but I have been featured many times here. As her one and only real fake Mom (a.k.a. Not My Real Mom), I did the only logical thing—threatened to tell all of her friends about the insane shit we used to do with this creep (Click it, you will not be disappointed) or give me some FACE TIME! I feel like the Karrine Steffans of the blogging community…

So, when Beth decided to start a blog my immediate response was to snort and pretend to adjust my pocket protector. But, being the true friend that I am, I agreed to read her blog no matter how terrible it was. Lucky for me her blog is fucking hilarious and through her success I have established an uncomfortable voyeuristic relationship with many of you bloggers out there. 

It’s like… I have so much to say to all of you! But, I have no avenue to crack a lude joke, or praise your TMI Thursdays (Maxie, I LOVE YOU—call me), or hate on your 84,6473,282th post about how hot, skinny, and generally boring you are without being that ominous “Anonymous” commenter. And, if you didn’t understand it before I crave FACE TIME!

So, back to why I am here… Beth and my relationship blossomed the summer when we were 16. We were at a sleep over with 2 of our other friends, talking about boys and showing each other our boobs. Beth was about to go on vacation for 2 weeks with her family in their super sweet RV and she was allowed to bring a friend. After asking and being rejected by both of the other girls at the party, she finally landed on me. Oh my gosh 3^rd choice is better than no choice—sign me up!

Over the course of the vacation we developed an unhealthy obsession with a Six Flags entertainment act called “The Extreme Diving Team”, spoke in a secret language that her parents couldn’t understand (fuck, kids are annoying), and almost had a threesome.

I know, CRAZY—our own language! It was like this weird voice that we would do and it—oh, you don’t care about that part…

His name was Bubby, and he was the most breathtaking full-time resident in the trailer park that week. (Side Note: That was his real name. Bubby’s mom introduced him as such. She also wore a muumuu and had approximately 8 teeth, but that’s neither here nor there.) In the days we would ride around in his canoe, and come night time he would take us over to the trailer rec. hall for Bingo.  After spending a week with our young Casanova our teenage hormones were surging through our bodies and one night we invited Bubby to our tent after dark. We were fully prepared to share his attention that night… and we waited, and waited and Bubby never showed! BUBBY, YOU FOOL!!! I am fairly certain that he never learned to read, and he probably knocked up his cousin a couple times by now but Bubby if you’re reading this, it’s ok, we forgive you. The question is… can you forgive yourself?

…Fuck it. I’m starting a blog.

I leave today.

September 21, 1996

I like to call this one:  The one where I get a little TOO honest with my diary and resort to white out.

Luckily, I have been able to decipher the first white out block.  The second one is still a mystery, but the first one is amazing… read:

Sep, 21, 1996

Dear Diary,

Hi!  The other day [my Mom caught me reading in the bathroom.  I] turned really red.  Also I’m having a party.  A halloween party.  Also I got my costume last night.  I’m a genie, It’s a real flashy outfit.  I love it.  You know who else I love?  Justin, Nick, Brian, and Andy.  I have fantisies of getting 60 seconds in heaven with them!  I hope I do!  were going to play suck & blow and spin the bottale!  How fun.

Love,

[symbol]

So some quick commentary:

1) Love LOVE the first white out block.  Reading Fear Street in the bathroom again, Beth?  How humiliating! 

2) I would give anything to know what raunchy thing I wrote under the second block.  Anything.  I guarantee you it was about doing a naughty thing at my party.  Or maybe it was about the time KT’s Mom caught us reading a sex ed book and we hid under her bed for three hours in shame.  It must have been good though, if it warranted a scribble out AND a white out.

3)  Four crushes?  Really, 12-year old Beth?  Four?  

4) Even with mentions of 60 Seconds in Heaven and other such gems, I still have to say my favorite part of this one is when I refer to my Halloween costume as “a real flashy outfit”.  It just shows what a total, total loser I actually was.

The Attraction Continuum

I’ve openly admitted before that I am very, very picky.  I’ve exasperated more than one friend with my picky antics in the past.  But, I’m not picky like a lot of people are… that is, I don’t have my list of “must-haves” in an ideal partner and I don’t really have any defined deal-breakers.  (Although, based on the total la-hooo-sirs I usually date, maybe I should think about having some.)  

What I am picky about is the intangible, the attraction, the chemistry, the spark, the zsa-zsa-zsu, etc.  I have always had my own definitions of it, but I’ve never put it into words until now.  I present to you…

Beth’s Attraction Continuum

Allow me to explain (what, that visual doesn’t make complete sense?):

Level 1: The Smush:  This one is pretty easy to get… it is the cheek pinch.  The “OMG YOU ARE SO CUTEEEEE”.  The feeling that you just want to grin stupidly at someone for awhile.  The Smush is relatively platonic, but it is the beginnings of really enjoying being around someone.

Level 2: The Smash:  This one is best described in a scenario.  Think of the beginnings of dating someone… just a few weeks in.  You may have kissed a few times, been on a few dates, whatever.  Or maybe you are just good friends who recently had a drunken hook-up (oops) and are now wondering if it could go somewhere.  OK, so now you are at a party with that person, but you are talking to different groups of people on opposite sides of the room.  During a particularly boring story about your co-worker’s dog, you glance at your love interest across the room and it hits you like a fucking train: you want to SMASH into that person.  Just go up to them and press your skin against theirs in as many places as you can.  The Smash usually comes out of nowhere.  It’s the first sign that you want to pinch a totally different set of cheeks than in The Smush.

Level 3: The Lick:  The Lick is when you look at someone and just. want. to. lick. them.  I usually get The Lick when I have been in Smash mode for awhile, and I am creepily staring at that person do some menial task.  I get it a lot by looking at hands, arms, or necks.  The Lick is a point of no return.  It is the full acknowledgment that you want to throw someone down and explore their body with your tongue.  The Lick requires a certain amount of comfort mixed with sexual tension.  The Lick does not come easy to me.

Level 4: The Play-Doh:  Until recently, I wasn’t aware there was a level above and beyond The Lick.  I thought it ended there.  (Because I have never experienced a level beyond The Lick, of course, so how could I know?)  But, it was recently pointed out that there is a level above:  The Mesh, also known as The Gray Play-Doh.  You know, when you were little and just HAD to make a cheeseburger out of your different colors (complete with tiny sesame seeds!), and instead of carefully disassembling it at the end you went NUTS and mashed it all together to form a giant ball of gray.  This is when you are the proverbial “One” with another person.  I feel this is explained nicely in The Spice Girls classic “2 become 1″… read:

Candlelight and soul forever 
Dream of you and me together 
Say you believe it, say you believe it 
Free your mind of doubt and danger 
be for real, don’t be a stranger 
We can achieve it, we can achieve it 
Come a little bit closer, baby, get it on… get it on 
’cause tonight is the night, when 2 become 1 

I believe those romantic and inspiring lyrics say it all.

What happens when you are me: Part 2 of 2

So, I totally effed up and skipped a part of the story… REWIND.

All-of-a-sudden, it’s 8 p.m. and I realize Mike is nowhere to be seen… I text him “Are you here?” and hit send.  

(Here is the part I forgot)

Mike texts me back almost immediately:  ”Yea!  On the dance floor!”

A little irritated that we are sitting here waiting for him and he made no effort to come and find me, I text him back: “Oh.  Well, we have a table.  Come say hi.”

And HERE is where I look up from my phone, and into the deep brown eyes of The Chef, standing there, waiting to talk to me.

“Hey… I’m Tony… what’s your name?” asks The Chef, as he slides in the booth next to me (aaaaaand, like fluorescent green Gak, any thought of MMM slides right out of my brain and puddles on the floor.)

The Chef and I enter “interview mode” and I am getting all the details like hometown, current feelings on being a chef, etc.  I even drop a few inappropriate jokes (one about vomit and one about pee… I’m so original) and he laughs and does not look horrified, so things are looking good.

All of a sudden, I hear TF and White Chocolate yell “J!” and wave madly towards the door.  Their friend J, who is also Mike’s friend from the first night we met, enters the bar and is heading our way.  J looks up past our table, cocks his head to the side and yells “Mike!?  What are you doing back there?”

… Mike had been standing behind our table, not coming over (well, from what I can assume) because I was talking to The Chef.  Who KNOWS how long he had been standing back there!  But now he had to come join us… he had been spotted!  Mike and J head over and (awkward) introductions are made.  I do my best to be really excited to see Mike, given the circumstances.

As Mike hugged TF hello [A/N: I obviously found this out later] he whispered, “Who is that…” to her, nodding toward The Chef.  

“Just a guy we met tonight, I don’t know…” she covers, obviously not going to reveal that we were the ones who forced The Chef to come to us.

Here is where we recap that I am now sitting at a table with my friends, a CHEF who is hitting on me, and a guy I went out on a date with a week ago.  And the only thing that is running through my head is:  BLOG WORTHY!!!!  (Sad.)

The most awkward/amazing 15 minutes of my life ensued, Mike talking mostly to TF, and The Chef, oblivious, prattling on to me.

Finally, The Chef asks for my number and I give it to him in hopes that he will take it and run.  Nope, awkwardly STILL SITS THERE.  Jesus.  White Chocolate and TF want to leave at this point and I am pretty drunk, yet sober enough to realize:  This night can only go downhill.  I better get out while at least one of the guys was oblivious and the other one hadn’t seen anything too incriminating.  We all stand up to say goodbye, and Mike makes a beeline for the opposite side of the bar.   

Hell no.  Extracting myself from a hug from The Chef and yelling goodbye, I launch myself over a table and a few chairs and grab Mike’s arm.

“Hey!  Hi!  I’m so sorry about that, I didn’t even really get to say hello to you or hear about Florida!”, I exclaim, giving him a giant hug and praying that I smell like a pretty girl and it will help him forgive me.  

Mike claims it is all cool, and we chat for a few more minutes and make plans for this Friday.  I am also going to a party at his house on Saturday night, so we are basically hanging out two nights in a row.

Back home, I am getting ready for bed when I get a text from Mike… and we start drunk texting back and forth.  It starts off cute and just heads down some Path of The Asshole pretty quickly… check it out:

Mike:  Hey you should have stayed.  let me know bout later this wk

Beth: i should have, you are right.  but i had been drinking since 3 and needed to go home.

Mike:  Lame.

Beth:  I will make it up to you, I promise.

Mike: A ha well this is super fun so what.

(about 15 min pass, I don’t respond because I am talking on the phone AND I had no idea what the fuck that text even meant)

Mike: Why no response?

(…WHAT.  Excuse me?)

Beth:  Sorry I was on the phone. you are drunk texting me right now and its pretty amazing.

Mike: well, I’m pretty amazing and in bed now.

Beth:  Weird, because I’m also pretty amazing and in bed.  Did you have a fun night?

Mike:  I always have fun. 

Beth:  OK, well we will hang out this weekend… I’m pretty excited for my Mike themed weekend.

Mike:  It’s always a good thing.

Uhhh… hey Mike… you have a serious case of “Guy trying way way too hard to be cool and failing.”  I’m pretty sure you can’t drunk text a girl (an act that clearly shows you are thinking about her) and also have one of those texts be “Why no response?” like a GIANT FREAK and THEN try to be awesome and aloof in your responses.

AND THEN.

TF gets to work Wednesday morning to an e-mail from J… she forwarded it to me and here is the best part:

Hey hey-

Great seeing you and the ladies at the bar last night. I was definitely surprised.  And more surprised to meet Beth’s new friend Tony!  I had a pretty good time, how about you?  You ladies bounced pretty early, though.  I guess Beth was pretty apologetic to Mike for the whole tony-jabroni weirdness, huh.  I told him that that kid was really creeping on her and she was pretty much defenseless!

So, to sum it up:

Mike failed to come find me when he got to the bar,  whined to his friend about how when he finally did get around to finding me, I was talking to another guy AND THEN drunk texted me some assholish/standoffish shit and demanded to know “Why no response?”. I’m sorry, Mike, but if you want me to NOT be talking to another guy, maybe you should make a tiny bit of fucking effort AND also try being nice to me.  I know that shit that “girls like assholes” is probably what you are trying to pull, but you are failing.  Big time.  I know he had to be the one to see me talking to another guy, and I honestly felt really bad at first, but not anymore.  I think I am being way too nice to him for how he is treating me.

So I am going into a double-date weekend with MMM feeling a little pissed at him.  I’m thinking I can take out my frustrations via a rough drunken make-out, but if he pulls anymore asshole shit, I am going to have to write him off completely.  I really don’t want to do that, but he leaves me no choice.

And as for The Chef, I am still waiting to hear from him.  He was a little shy and unsure, so we’ll see if he actually calls me.  I made him put me in his phone as Beth P. Mustache, and anyone who doesn’t call a girl who insists on that is an idiot.  In my opinion.

What happens when you are me: Part 1 of 2

This story needs one preface and one backstory before I can fully launch it into space.  Lezzgo.

Preface:  Rhode Island is a tiny state (If you didn’t know that, please stop reading this blog as you are in 5th grade and a minor).  When you go out on the town, it is common to see people you know, or simply people you recognize as just people that are always out downtown.  I’ve never experienced anything like it.  If you are going to a bar that you saw someone at the last time you were there and you think “Oh, I hope I don’t see this person again tonight”, you will absolutely 100% see them.  Absolutely.  (If this were English class, what I just wrote would be called foreshadowing.)

Backstory:  On my birthday, we were all sitting at our table putting on fake mustaches and taking pictures… you know, no big deal.  Standard operation.  One of the chefs from the place walks by our table and we hear him laugh out loud at our antics.  Oh HAYELL NO.  NOBODY LAUGHS AT ME AND WALKS AWAY, BITCH.  

Just kidding.  He could laugh at me all he wants and get away with it, butttttt he was sexy.  Therefore I used his laughter as an excuse to berate him and taunt him into coming back to talk to us.  And then we made him put on a mustache and take this picture:

Then he walked away and I was left being like “That guy was sexy.  Fucking sexy.  And he put on a mustache and took a picture with us without complaint.  I am in love.”

So then Sara, being the awesome amazing awesome that she is, apparently went up to him and asked him to have a drink with us after he was off.  She tells me this and I’m sure I lovingly groped her in excitement.   

Several drinks later, things are a little fuzzy but I am realizing that he never came over.  I make Sara come on a trek with me to find him, and that trek involved: walking to the dining room and back, all in under 30 seconds.  Hahaha.  And this walk apparently proved to us that he left and was not coming to drink with us.  Excellent.

So I wake up the next day to this random picture of the sexy chef in my iPhoto and no name or number.  

*****FAST FORWARD*****

St. Patty’s day.  White Chocolate and I decided we needed to drink at 3 p.m. because we both had nothing to do, and why the hell not.  I actually think I have never gone out out on St. Patricks day, but now I don’t know why.  The fun I was missing!

So we go to this one bar, and it is full of exceptionally old motherfuckers.  Beerbellytown everywhere you look.  We have to try another place, and the only Irish  bar within walking distance is:  The bar I went to on my birthday.  Woo fucking hoo.  But this is Providence for you.

TF shows up around 5:30 and the three of us are hanging out.  I go to the bathroom and in my way back, bump into someone tall, dark and handsome.  The.  Fucking.  Chef.  Of course.

Of course.  We DEFINITELY recognize each other, but he is mad shady and keeps walking through the crowd without saying more than “Hey, what’s up…” 

Back with TF and White Chocolate, we are laughing and hanging out at the bar when I get a text.  And you will never guess who it was from… Main Man Mike, that’s who.

MMM:  Hey… going out to [irish bar I was currently standing in] around 7 if you’re interested.

Beth: Uhmmm… actually, already here.  Ha.  So I guess I will see you soon?

I mean, I believe that it spells C-L-A-S-S when a guy texts you to meet him out at a bar and YOU ARE ALREADY THERE.

So it gets to be about 6:50 and TF and White Chocolate want to leave.  I, of course, have had one too many and am begging them both to stay so I can see MMM or The Chef or Anyone Interested In Dating Me.  They agree (best. friends. ever.), as long as we can get a table to sit down and chill at and I pay for the next round of drinks.  Obliged.  

We get our table and sit down and notice that The Chef is over on our side of the bar and is talking to an ugly girl.  TF, being the most amazing TF that she is, goes RIGHT UP to him and tell him to come to our table (God, I fucking love that TF).  He tells her he will be over in a minute and this is hilarious and amazing to our drunken selves.

All-of-a-sudden, it’s 8 p.m. and I realize Mike is nowhere to be seen… I text him “Are you here?” and hit send.  I look up from my phone, and into the deep brown eyes of The Chef, standing there, waiting to talk to me.

AND here is where I pull an SO@24 and do a “To Be Continued…”  Evil, I know, but I will be back tomorrow with the rest.  It is worth waiting for, I promise…