:: door creak ::
… hello?
I randomly woke up this morning feeling the need to write. I made one of my giant cups of coffee and went straight to my old blog. It just made sense… six months later. I also have been feeling the need to analyze why I stopped writing. So (:: clears throat ::) … LEZZGO!
See, I have always had a real problem with pride. Particularly, setting ridiculous standards for myself and not being able to be proud of myself unless I live up to them. I think some of this stems from the fact that I am one of those people (like many) who is good at a lot of things, but not GREAT at any one thing. If you are like this too, you know how infuriating it can be. It turns you into a perfectionist of sorts… you feel like you have to do everything as well as possible because you don’t have that one GREAT thing to fall back on. A few years into college, however, I found out that I was pretty damn good at communications. And at getting good grades. So I rocked my education, hard. I got a 3.8 GPA and joined clubs and led presentations and made connections. And then I got a sweet job within three months of graduating. A job at a Fortune 500 company working on a massive rebranding campaign. And this became my one great thing. I loved my job. I was great at it. It became my rock in my life. I loved being that successful girl.
Then last winter, the company’s stock plummeted and they eliminated the rebranding project that I dedicated a year-and-a-half of my career to. Poof… in an instant, my job was gone. Fuck!
I didn’t really know what I wanted to do at that point. I wasn’t in love with Rhode Island, but there was nowhere else I really had my heart set on living. This set me into a cycle of indecisiveness and a half-hearted job search. Why would I dedicate my life to finding a job in a place I didn’t want to live? But where did I want to go?
At the beginning of the summer, my unemployment ran out. I had been jetsetting and kinda job searching and NOT thinking about it until it happened. And when it did, it was like a kick in the ass/face/ohfuck!alertareaofthebrain. I was out of money. And time. I wasn’t any closer to figuring out where I wanted to live. Enter: The pathetic girl who moves back home at age 24 because she, for once, has nowhere else to go. I can’t stress enough how this was So.Not.Me. But I had to become that girl.
So I moved home and didn’t want to be here, just like Rhode Island, so I didn’t look for a real job. I took a crappy office job at a retail store and just watched the time pass. And here is the big reveal of why I haven’t been writing: I was embarrassed. I still am. I am not proud of myself that I have no fancy job to speak of. That I am wasting all my talents and doing absolutely nothing impressive with my life. I’m really, really ashamed. And that’s the truth! That’s why I stopped blogging… even though I have absolutely HILARIOUS stories to tell about my time at home and time working at a shitty job, I am too embarrassed to tell them.
I think admitting this is a step. But I still feel like my career defines who I am and if I don’t have that, I have nothing to be proud of. That is pretty sad, if you think about it. What about being proud of who I am, in general? Of my friendships and decisions and family and lifestyle and everything else I do? Nope… not good enough for me. I feel that I am not a worthwhile person if I am not making a lot of money doing something important. And I really don’t think I’m going to get over that anytime soon.
So about a month ago, I started hardcore studying the job market in Los Angeles for someone in my industry, at my career level. Just to see… is that a place I could set my mind on? After all, it is where my boyfriend lives and it is sunny and fun and I have a lot of friends there. And I liked what I saw! There is a LOT going on over there for communicators at my level. There are new jobs that are perfect for me being posted every single day. The bad news is they don’t last long — I’ve been monitoring the posts, and they usually disappear within 1-2 weeks, sometimes less. So the competition is fierce. But it is THERE. There are things happening. And I think if I were to go and jump into it headfirst, I could be inspired by that competition.
So I’m going to go. A lot of people have asked me why I don’t just start applying for jobs out there NOW, which sounds like it would make sense. There are a lot of reasons, most sounding like excuses. Maybe I’ll get into it another time. For right now, lets just say I want to get through the holidays and then make the move as soon as possible after that. January/February.
And that’s it! I’ve disabled comments for now, which I know is incredibly lame. I’m just not ready for that whole world yet. But look at it this way… you can lurk my blog for awhile with absolutely NO pressure to comment! I’ll enable them again at some point, I’m sure.
Finally, I’d like to leave you with something funny since you just had to read a whole pile of serious. And we all know this is NOT a serious blog.
So I work at a jewelry store as an office manager (ugh ugh ugh so embarrassed). This means I sit in an office and do a lot of dumb stuff that involves tracking lots of merchandise. It’s boring and takes 1-2 brain cells, max. One of my responsibilities is to ship merch to be repaired to vendors. There are two types of merchandise I ship: jewelry and watches. That is it. For every piece I ship, I file a slip to track it in either the box labeled “Jewelry” or “Watches”. Every so often, a jewelry slip will end up in the watch box, or vice versa. Obviously just a misfile, and it happens a lot since employees are constantly having to look up the slips and pull them out for reference and then refile them. Well, every single time the assistant manager in the place finds a slip in the wrong box, she will come find me in a panic.
“Beth! I need to ask you about this. What is this?? This slip says this is a RING but it was in the watch box! I don’t understand! WHAT IS GOING ON!??!”
I am dead serious. It sends her into a panic every single time.
It’s amazing. I have to talk her off the ledge and explain that someone just put that slip in the wrong box. EVERY. TIME. And it is hilarious to me… EVERY. TIME. She honestly cannot understand simple things like this. I’ve never met anyone in my life before who is 100% incapable of analytical thinking or reasoning. It blows my mind and I’ve started doing experiments to test her level of incompetence. At this point, my scientific analysis is showing that it has no limits. Astounding. I am also convinced that this woman does not know how to read or write and is hiding it. More on that next time.





April 22, 2009
Just kicking down the cobblestones
That’s it. I’m just going to stop even unpacking my suitcase at this point. I am clearly allergic to being in my apartment for more than two nights in a row. I just got back from LA two days ago and I already have plans to go up to The Lawyer’s tomorrow for some serious Pretend We Are North Shore Wives With No Jobs And Nothing To Do But Eat Lunch. Then I’m going straight from there to Boston to have partytimes with KT and NMRM on Friday and Saturday. What am I thinking!? And I didn’t mention this, but I was home in NY for Easter weekend in between LA weekends… so that is a grand total of: A really fucking long time being away from my apartment (remember I was house-sitting for 10 days before I went to LA the first time too!)
So LA weekend (… v.2) was even better than the first trip. The first trip will forever be the most amazing weekend of my life and was full of vomitworthy fairytale feelings and mush and all that. It was SO at his best and Beth at her best, and it was great. This time around, however, it was like everything was more relaxed and real and more… in the moment?
I think the first time, the feelings were so foreign and overwhelming, it made me feel like I had to figure out what to do with them righthenandthereandwhatisgoingtohappenomg. But this weekend, I think SO and I both realized we should just really enjoy the amazingness that is the first stages of dating. I’m supposed to be unsure and nervous and giddy and spontaneous right now… we don’t have to answer everything or figure out where this is all going at this moment. We can just… be.
And it’s fucking great. Eesh. I can hardly believe we are real sometimes.
In other news, I realized I never even wrote about how I quit The Restaurant Second Circle of Hell and started freelancing. Well, technically I quit the restaurant in a fit of irresponsibility before I knew that I had this freelancing gig lined up, but who’s looking at the exact dates really… (Answer: RI unemployment who is currently auditing me and I will probably lose benefits…. oops?)
So I’m pretty much working for myself and that is why I have been able to be a super jetsetter (Where to, Gumshoe?) and do all this spontaneous traveling.
The main thing on my mind right now is: what’s next? All I know is that I need NEED some stability, and soon.
Paycheck? Yes, coming in and fortunately I am using my brain/talents to make money (unlike waiting tables where I was using my ability to impersonate a brainless robot who loved spaghetti to make money). But my projects could end any minute and it’s terrifying. This is nothing like having a stable check.
Money in general that is not used to pay bills and eat? Wha? Huh? No.
Lovelife? Uh. Fantastic, but 3000 miles away and still really new. Talk about complicated.
Friends? Family? Things to do? ::looks to the left and right slowly:: Uhhh… not in this town!
Living situation? Condo that I rent is officially for sale. Could be sold any time and my lease is up August 31. Additionally, Rhode Island is a blowjob.
More about that, actually. I need to get OUT of here. I was waffling on whether or not to try to stay and make RI a home and make it work or to move somewhere else. TF sat me down a few weeks ago and looked me straight in the eye… “Beth. What are you doing? Get the hell out of this state. Your family doesn’t live here. I am your only friend here and I’m leaving soon too! Go. Get up and just GO.” I blinked at her a few times while what she said sunk in. And I realized just how right she was.
The next day, I walked out of my apartment and took a good look around. I do not love this place. I have tried to. I really have. I’ve been here for almost two years and I have tried to make it a home, but it is still not. I gave it a fair shot. It’s time to move on.
So the only decision that has been made right now is: NOT Rhode Island. The rest? Who the hell knows. All I know is that I have some major thinking to do.
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Tags: a life please, I smashed the shit out of SO@24, if you comment with OMG MOVE TO LA I will cut your head off, if you owned the WITWICS CD-ROM and know the "where to gumshoe" travel agent voice then i love you, obviously it is under consideration, other people have things called plans and i don't have this, stability please